You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize