He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
