I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
