my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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