oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
