The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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