I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
