I am in a vortex of obligation.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
