I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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