You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize