no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
