Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
