We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
