I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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