Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
