Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Watching her eat just hurts me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
