great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your penis caused this!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
