I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
