he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
