I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
