I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
this hospital has no fireball
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
