doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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