On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
