Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
