Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
3pm strippers are depressing
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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