Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
