next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
