You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
