4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
