Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
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He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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