I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
