Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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