"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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