I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
