If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
