K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
