I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Brb crying the tears of my youth
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
