My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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