Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
