I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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