So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
