I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize