watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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