I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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