I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
