I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
