She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
