How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
