You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
