after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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