Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The uberlube is also flammable
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
