Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
