I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
