Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"