i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.