matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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