Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
